Funny Quotes

Here’s a few “funny quotes” for your reading pleasure:

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. -Robert Bloch

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. -Mark Twain

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. -Homer Simpson

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. -Henny Youngman

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. -Socrates

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. -Casey Stengel

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. -Dilbert

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. -Alexander Woollcott

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -Groucho Marx

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. -Oliver Goldsmith

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -Benjamin Franklin

Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. -Mae West

Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender. -Homer Simpson

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -Will Rogers

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family. -Jerry Seinfeld

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. -Colin Sautar

If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names. -Elbert Hubbard

Don’t get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny. -Kathryn Carpenter

If you have some other funny quotes, could you please share them below?  Thanks

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    • David Parrish
    • September 10, 2010

    Henny Youngman’s quote regarding breaking your leg in two places reminds me of a comic quip that Groutcho liked to tell. “Hey Doc, it hurts when I do this.” “Well then, don’t do that.”

    • Sarah
    • September 10, 2010

    Thanks for having some funny quotes, it’s nice to have a pick me up!

    This one is my favourite:
    Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. -Colin Sautar

      • emilie
      • January 28, 2011

      Who is Colin Sautar!!!??? And why is he being credited with a bastardized version of Heller’s quote from Cath 22????

      1. Reply

        Dunno, Emilie. I just copied it down from somewhere. I just did a quick search for it in google, and it comes up ALL OVER THE PLACE with attributions to all kinds of people. In fact, in most cases, it’s quoted and re-used all over the place as if it belongs to the people using it. Even ThinkExist uses it as being from Kurt Cobain! I’d appreciate it if you could shed some more light on its origin. I’ve never read Joseph Heller’s Catch 22, although I’ve always wanted to….

    • Shelley A
    • February 13, 2011

    this is my first visit and I just wanted to stop by to say Hi Everyone!

    • indian
    • February 24, 2011

    All of them are really funny, gr88 way to start my day..

    • Vishnu
    • April 8, 2011

    I really liked “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue”…..reminds me of ‘work’…….but when can I get to be the pigeon????? The wait continues…….

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